TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork posted on http://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from http://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the http://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with http://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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